Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
