Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
