She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
