I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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