Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
