I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
