Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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