my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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