I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
