matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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