My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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