my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
