There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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