i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
