apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize