No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
