I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
