He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
