Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
