My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
