Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Never joke about your clitoris.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
