my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
my liver is dry heaving
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