And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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