Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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