I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
