I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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