I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
