maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
