OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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