smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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