i always forget guys have bellybuttons
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
