I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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