Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
