mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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