i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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