I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
