gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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