mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
