I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize