do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm really busy with my period
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