tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she told me i tasted like america
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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