You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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