4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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