I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
