He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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