I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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