I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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