I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
