When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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