in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
