what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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