Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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