drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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