my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
