Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
