dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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