i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
