I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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