WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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