So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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