Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
