im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
