New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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