i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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