I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
